Melissa

My Waves Started to Crash

2009-10-21T15:00:00.004+08:00

Ytd, my waves crashed.. I was so very upset..
I wanted my Bei Bei to be there beside me but he had to work..
I was selfish and unreasonable to even get upset and angry with him..
I wanted to see him every single day, i needed him so badly that i realise i am relying on him too much..

Gosh~ what kind of GF i was..

Bought a can of beer and went to chinese gardens to walk..

That was when i realised how lonely i was and how afraid i was to be alone..
I was thinking, if i started going out with my friends what will become of me?

Addicted to Alcohol.. Clubbing..

I got myself out of the addiction of clubbing, drinking and even smoking like breathing air..

I do not wish to drink like hell just because i need my friends company..
I know them too well, if i go there i will not be able to avoid drinking hard liquor like a gold fish..

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus said:
I should go out and enjoy my self and not always relying on my partner..
I wanted too, but.. the outings was all drinking and clubbing..
I have to work the next day and weekends is the only time i have with my Bei Bei..

Sigh~ what a miserable lonely fuck ass i am..
Well, i guess i have to just deal of the loneliness..

My Bei Bei came to find me at chinese gardens..
I was very happy, but i felt guilty..
Was it cos of my unreasonable selfish behaviour that caused him to stop his work to find me?
I could see the tired look in his eyes..
He still tried to convince me like a 3 year old kid that he was not tried at all..
I could see how much he cared for me..

If only i didn't have to move back home, i wouldn't feel so lonely and insecure..
I realised that when ever i stayed over at his place, i didn't feel lonely or insecure..
I didn't even felt very upset that he went out to play texas till late..
(Ok i admiti was but only abit because i cannot go, but i was ok with it)
To even think that he has to work till late at night and i will be at his home waiting for him to come home,
I didn't even felt a single unhappiness..

What is wrong with me? Why can't i be independant like how i used to be?
I used to be independant and strong when i was alone, but why not now?

Home All Day

2009-10-20T17:32:00.000+08:00

Was suppose to go to work today, but Ariel helped me get permission to take unpaid leave today due to my knee..

Sometimes I just wonder.. What is going thru her head.. Sometimes she can be nice but at times she can be pain in the ass.. Well, as usual I have to keep reminding myself " She is still young " bla, bla, bla..

I am so lucky to have my Bei Bei listen to my problems..

Just now I walked to gek po and I fell again >.< why am i so clumpsy >.< Lucky it is not that serious.. Sigh~

Suddenly, a question pop out in my mind " Are you happy? " Tears filled my eyes..

I realised I have lots to change bout myself..

It is really not easy to please everyone around you..

I am so very tired.. I wonder why do I have to go thru all this Reality all by myself?

"Bei Bei I know I have you, but I have to face the facts that you have your own life, work and family not only me.. I cannot be selfish to always want you to be there for me..
I do not even dare call my best friend, sister or god mother as they too have their own life, family, relationships and work.."

Sometimes I even feel that I am like a extra burden to my Bei Bei, well I guess I always think I am in all my past relationships..

Why do I feel so lost? So tired.. So empty.. So inferior and so negative? I feel like I do not deserve anything good that happens in my life.. Sigh~

Monday Blues, Greens and Red

2009-10-19T21:50:00.002+08:00

Monday Blues...

Woke up in the morning, there was i lying on my bed looking at my pillow hoping it was my Bei Bei.. Sigh~ Well i guess i just have to get used to it..

As usual had to take the bus, the train den the bus..

Monday Greens..

Something bad happened..

Boom !! Down i went on the stairs ( Yeah i tripped and fell on the stairs >.< ) but guess what a guy walked too close to me and fell on me too !!! OUCH !!! Now i have an injured knee.. Sob sob~ I could feel my blood running low..

Monday Reds..

Was being told off for showing my unhappiness in office and malign for creating politics in office =.= Sigh.. My boss thinks that i have not put in any effort in my work.. Feel like giving up =.=
Wonder should i quit since what i do is not up to their standards..